Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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