The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
