matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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