I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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