For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
