note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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