I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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