stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
