i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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