saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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