One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
