i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
