I must be too annoying 4 u.
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
