I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
