We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
