I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
