I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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