i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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