why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
