Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
