I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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