you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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