I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
