I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
