just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I had to cum in my sink.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
