Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
