I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
