Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
