I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
