Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
