hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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