What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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