Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
