I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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