Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
