Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
