Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
