You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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