He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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