I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
