I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
