everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
