life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
