I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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