I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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