I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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