My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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