So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
