I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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