Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
