I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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