I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
