my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
