you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
