Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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