so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
